Willy Wonka Jr

My thirteen year old son has been staying after school for months now, joining the cast and crew of his middle school musical, Willy Wonka Jr. in their rehearsals.  He will play Grandpa Joe, who accompanies Charlie through his adventures, and has had to memorize a lot of lines and song lyrics.  I have heard him singing around the house, and have seen a few practice snippets, and I cannot wait to attend opening night!  We would love for you to come and support him and see this delightful musical.  It runs from April 26 through the 28th, and plays at 7pm (with a matinee on Saturday) at Robbinsdale Middle School.

I am so proud of Deven, and all our talented and smart kids.  What a joy it is to see your child work hard to  develop his or her talents and watch them grow!  I'm very blessed :)

A wee bit excited!!

Today I apply for my U.S. Passport!  I haven't done this for 25 years, and words can't describe the excitement I feel at the prospect of international travel!!

It has always been my wish to experience other cultures around the world, to immerse myself in the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of distant lands.  As a senior in high school I got to travel to Germany with my foreign language study group, and the experience blew my mind.  Just breathing air in a spot across the globe is exciting to me.

Now, for our twentieth wedding anniversary, we are going to...  Ireland!!  I have ancestral heritage there, and I've always longed to see the green rolling hills and the powerful sea, hear the brogue and meet the people, and perhaps experience a hint of the magic of lore.  I am soooo thankful and excited for this opportunity to be in another world again.

Wooohoooooooo!

Time to center...

Do you ever feel overwhelmed?  There seem to be so many important ways to spend energy...  Ways to support the family, a moral code and knowledge to impart to the children, ways to nourish our connection to God, ways to keep the home clean and running effectively, ways to better the business, ways to feed the soul, ways to nutritiously feed the family, ways to exercise the body, ways to nourish bonds with loved ones outside the nucleus, ways to be a good neighbor and compassionate citizen, ways to create and express what is within, ways to have fun, learn, enjoy life and explore the wide world:  So many things to do!!  And really, it may be more accurate to say, 'So many things I'm supposed to do!'  Expectations of society and self add intensity to the feeling.

Sometimes I am overwhelmed by it all.  Sometimes I fill ill prepared, and without forward momentum.  I wake up with a focused, strong energy, and it seems within minutes it is swept away in the huge, roaring maelstrom, and I feel diluted and ineffective.  Often I make lists in the morning, soon after waking, and again whenever a clear idea hits me--so I can remember what is most important, what struck me when my focus was keen.

When overwhelmed, within me the urge is very strong to escape.  Set all worry aside for something that would be relaxing or fun or absorb my focus enough to take me to another place.   Giving in to this urge is only a temporary fix, what truly brings relief is to wade in, stand strong against the current and accomplish something concrete.  Otherwise I can get swept out to sea, spinning, reactive, and at the end of the day with a strong sense that I did not seize it.  The days not seized can add up in my mind if I am not careful and become a weight.  Not something to anchor, but something to upset the balance.

It is clear to me in times like these that I need to get centered again.  There is a very real comfort in just being, and acknowledging the beauty and power of existing.  Not judging, not feeling inadequate, just being.  At times yoga and meditation feel like just another thing I'm supposed to do.  But the practice never fails to center me, give me strength and peace, and focus my energy again.

My heart breathes...

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart." ~William Wordsworth

I like the sentiment, and it helps explain why I write...  My heart needs to breathe.  As for the sharing with the wide world part, hmm...  I'll have to ponder the 'why' of that a little longer.

There's a bit of tension in my outlook just now.  The winter months are not a busy time for the henna artist in Minnesota (at least not this one), and so we turn to crafts to keep our skills sharp.  I am involved in the online community of henna artists, and we commonly  share photos of our work with one another.  Within the community, the work of some very talented and experienced artists are hailed as perfection itself. And of course, their work is beautiful!

Though I admire artistry and expertise, I find I don't appreciate this show and tell/adulation response dynamic.  I don't aspire to be like any artist other than myself, and don't think anyone should.  I'm not keen on comparison, or favoring one style over another.  And, even stickier, as I examine myself to see if I would feel differently if folks were fawning over me and my work, the answer is, yes I probably would not need to write a blog entry in this case.  So it appears I'm tasting sour grapes, not usual for me and not something I wish to perpetuate.

Isn't it interesting how art, which is sooo personal, and an expression of what is within, once shared, can make the artist vulnerable to the perception of others?  Art is to be shared.  And of course once shared, there will be an impression or opinion, favorable or not.  But should the artist let the perception of someone else impact how/if/why they express what is within, or how they feel about their own work?  Should the breathings of my heart be affected by outside perception/comments/or lack of them?

At the same time, constructive criticism or even just shining less brightly than another is a good growth catalyst.  If a person is met with only stroking and positive reaction, perhaps they do not push for excellence.  We all are soo different, what makes us tick or work harder or achieve our best is so vastly different from one person to the next.  My artwork is not about competition, I refuse to let that spirit enter my space.  And yet I feel it breathing on my neck.

I think the upshot is, what I have to give has value, pleases me, and brings pleasure to others along the way.  It doesn't have to please every one, or be the most pleasing overall to be worthy. Where I stand in rankings in the community or in the mind of another does not matter.  Nor should I rank myself.  

What I should do, what we all should do, is let our hearts breathe.

Being with Dying...

That's the title of a book that my thoughtful and caring sister bought me.  I haven't spent much time with it yet, I guess I'm too busy processing my own feelings and memories and thoughts to let in those of someone else, no matter how wise.  Perhaps this post will free up some space for that, perhaps not.

Yesterday I accompanied my Dad to a consultation with the surgical oncologist who performed his emergency surgery to remove a mass from his rectum which had perforated through his bowels.  There was lots of infection, and as we found out later, the mass was cancer and that had metastasized freely in his liver as well.  He had drainage ports put in because of the infection, and his digestive tract had to be diverted outside and an ostomy was installed.  These were life saving measures, and still, in the ICU after surgery, he looked like death warmed over, mumbled incoherent thoughts, and gripped my hand like I was a life preserver.  The doctors spoke to me in hushed tones, concern in their eyes, Dad was being watched carefully and they expected trouble from the infection in his gut.  I drove to the hospital every day for weeks as he convalesced, packing bags to keep my 4 year old live wire quiet by the bedside, bringing coins for meters, finding all the best parking spots and learning the maze of HCMC.  It felt good to hold Dad's hand, to be a reassuring presence, to pump his system with juiced carrots, and massage his feet with essential oil, an act of Biblical proportions, but to me just a way to show love and take care.

He got better!  He recovered from a surgery they didn't think he might.  He got well enough to be moved to the regular unit, and eventually to the care facility where he lives today.  When he found out he had Stage IV, metastasized cancer, his thought was to fill up the month or so left ticking off a few bucket list items before his time was up.  He reluctantly agreed to undergo the recommended chemotherapy, which was billed as palliative, meaning we could expect no cure for Dad from his colorectal cancer, but chemo could extend his life and keep the disease at bay.  Many times I heard from his hematologist that chemo would continue, "as long as the disease responds and as long as he is able to tolerate it."  And respond it did.  After the first two rounds, Dad's tumor marker, a test run on blood, fell from the upper 20s to in the normal range of 1.6 or so.  The mass did not regrow at the original site.  After the second two, everything remained 'stable', meaning it shrunk a millimeter or less.

And at that point, Dad decided he no longer wishes to tolerate chemotherapy.  Part of me understands...  He spends his time on a small cot in a shared room at the care facility, does not wish to participate in the goings on or develop relationships there.  But, he does not feel able to go out because of the bag.  He worries it will leak and embarrass him.  He finds the whole thing disgusting, embarrassing, and very, very limiting.

Which leads me back to the surgical consultation yesterday.  The ray of hope.  The surgeon had said initially that the possibility existed for Dad to be reconnected and function normally.  He tempered that with the high statistical likelihood for the cancer to reoccur in the pelvic region, but the ray of hope remained in our hearts.  'Maybe Dad will beat it, his body is responding to chemo, maybe he can eventually have a normal life.'

No.  I watched Dad accept the words of the doctors into his body physically, like there had been a touch accompanying them.  No, it is not recommended to reconnect the colon, he had so much infection after the first surgery that the very real possibility is that he may never leave the hospital after the procedure.  Besides which, there is about a 50% chance of a leak with the location and condition of his body there.  The doctor found it a miracle that he survived the first surgery and feels Dad had used up his good fortune.  He is welcome to consult with another surgeon for a second opinion.  It is recommended that he continue with the chemotherapy.

Life can hurt.  I remember this morning, the Dad of my youth, with golden hair, twinkling eyes, an irresistible smile, and lots of stories and corny jokes, ready to lend a hand and host.  By contrast I see the Dad of today, thin, grey, silent, no twinkle and a smile that is a habit but with no heart in it.  Why is it that color drains of a person nearing the end of life?  Color = Life.

I wish I could bring color back to Dad.  I wish he hadn't lost his ray of hope.  It seems unlikely that he will make peace with his bag, and live with gusto until his time is up.  This is my version of best case scenario, but I know that when you are terminally ill your priorities and perspective changes.  Dad tells me this.

It is my time to be with dying, and it is a sad time.

Happy New Year

The first post in a brand new year.  I saw in the month of November that blogging for me can be a catalyst for lifestyle changes.  If I'm going to write in a public forum about goals, I hold myself more accountable and seem to accomplish more.  (The influence you have, dear reader!)

Which phenomenon may come in handy as I write after having done some introspection about the last year(s), and what worked well, and what needs to be stripped out to free me up for more of the good stuff.  Isn't it interesting the power a blank slate can give for refreshing intentions and bringing action into line with those?  I'm really not one for resolutions.  But I love a fresh start and the feeling of a new beginning.  So much so that I am working on cultivating that feeling with each new day.  Wisdom dictates that really each new breath is that, when you are truly in the moment.  I am not sure why this takes effort to be aware of for me, and yet it does.

At any rate, I'm happy for January, happy for 2012, and uppermost in my mind now is being more present as mom, wife and homemaker, daughter, sister, friend.  I am setting the intention to consistently find the joy that exists in homely tasks, to consistently find the happy comfort that exists in routine.  Perhaps the goal is to be consistent on a basic level in many areas, and learn to enjoy it. Tantamount to that will be continuing to explore creative expression in henna and my business, which is the yin to that yang.  The craving for variety and spontaneity must be met, and my pitifully weak consistent routine muscle must be built up.

This is my intention for the year:  live in the moment, become consistent in routine and enjoy it, be creative...  and at all times send love out and let it in.

Happy new year to you!  And may your (and my) intentions for this year of life be.

December is here...

December seemed to arrive with out me noticing.  When we travel for Thanksgiving, preparing for Christmas is shifted a week later or more.   Depending on how cold it gets and how fast, sometimes the outside decorations don't even get put out these days.

But yesterday the family went out and chose a live tree, rearranged furniture, installed the holder and tree, wound lights around it, and put our ornaments up while listening to our traditional Nat King Cole Christmas CD and sipping hot chocolate. The tree emanated cold when we first brought it in, and as it soaked up the warm water we gave it, the scent of fir tree filled the house.  It really is a pleasant aroma.

Every year our kids get a new ornament, and so from youngest to oldest they get to put up their personal collections before we fill it out with shiny purple and teal globes.  Now that Deven is 12, he takes objection to his first year ornament, which for all of them is a photo of their infant or toddler selves, but he happens to be adorably naked.  At his advanced age, he is not amused.

I think this will be the first year that Emmett leaves the tree alone, and is old enough to look at the gifts without touching.  He really wants to give gifts too, and has already put some homemade items under the tree :).

It's fun and comforting to keep the traditions each year, to listen to the same music, drink hot chocolate, pull out collections of things we've seen year after year.  I think it is interesting how we humans (animals too I guess) like our traditions.  For Nat and I, Christmas is not a tradition we carry on from childhood, it is one we established in our lives when I was pregnant with Eliana.  But it has come to mean a lot, add great enjoyment to our lives, and give us a special focus for worship, tradition, correspondence, family, togetherness and fun.

A goal met...

The final blog of the National Blog Posting Month. I met my goal of posting every day in November--yippee!!  And my inspiration, my daughter Elli, met her goal of writing 50000 words for NaNoWriMo--You go, girl!!  It has been fun to check in every day and spend time expressing life in words.  I'm not sure yet how frequently I plan to blog going forward, but it's likely it will be more often than before forming the daily blog habit.

During this past month, I enjoyed more time at home than months prior, due to my henna business experiencing its seasonal slowdown.  I dedicated time not only to writing, but to exercising, managing at least 16 workouts in the month, which is a vast improvement to months (years) prior.  Some deep cleaning, organizational and decor ideas for my home were implemented, and I'm enjoying the changes, and plan to keep the ball rolling.

My writing and home energies have been met mostly with appreciation and supportive attitudes.  But one friend expressed confusion about why a person would possibly want to blog, and who on earth would read it anyway?  Furthermore, her opinion was that someone who uses the computer often and dedicates time to writing a blog must not be wholly engaged in living, and essentially, should 'get a life.'

Though I generally dismiss views from such an obviously closed minded place, this made me examine why I want to blog, who I want to read and why.  Mainly, I just love writing.  It's something I enjoy doing.  Will any of the world's problems be solved by reading my thoughts expressed in the written word?  No.  But I got to create, I got to think, remember, and string words together to express things that mean something to me.  If I didn't 'have a life' there would be nothing to say.  I have no delusions of grandeur.  I'm just about the business of writing and sharing.  Perhaps something I write will resonate with you, or bring a chuckle, or just bring a friend or family member close when proximity is not an option.

So I finish this my last blog in November by quoting wise words from the Dalai Lama that can benefit us all, whether we are on the same page or from opposite ends of the book:

"Only the development of compassion and understanding for others can bring us the tranquility and happiness we all seek."

Here's to happiness, tranquility, compassion and understanding for us all!

Tuesday, Henna Day!!

Today I got the chance to spend time in Rochester with a bunch of my favorite peeps--my lovely henna girlz!

We filled up a van this morning (many thanks to our fearless driver, Amy, and our priceless navigator, Beth!) and headed down the highway to Rochester where our hosts (many thanks to Jazibe and her sister!) had reserved a beautiful party room for henna playtime.  As we are wont to do, we shared a delicious and nutritious potluck grazing buffet which we visit freely in between doing henna designs.  Some of us brought our wee ones, and some of us brought our yarn (though the yarn didn't see a lot of action this afternoon methinks), and there were design books, henna cones, alcohol bottles, lemon sugar sprays, cotton pads, face paints, brushes, cameras, and above all, CHOCOLATE!  From Switzerland no less, mmmm.

During six hours together, we chatted about a wide variety of things, personal and general, and got to know one another better.  We created beautiful designs on each other, planned future dates and activities, made a mess and cleaned it up again.  It was good for the soul.  I love my henna dearies!  Maybe some time you will join the crew, eh dear reader?

Here are a few pictures from today's meetup:

My work on Amy, Have fun in Cancun!

Her daughter applying her first ever henna to our lovely hostess

My work on Jazibe, angle 1

My work on Jazibe, angle 2

Two of the adorable wee ones present, making their own fun

Victoria Welch's gorgeous design on me

My work on Tasia

Home Sweet Home

Has this ever happened to you?  When I am away from home for a period of time, I return with a fresh eye and fresh enthusiasm for projects and goals at home.  Maybe it's the fonder heart due to absence syndrome.  Whatever it is, I'm glad for it!  I've experienced this many times over the years.  It leads me to the conclusion that it is really good to leave home periodically.  I wonder how else this can be applied in life.  How else might it be a good idea to completely step away and focus elsewhere and come back fresh to the matter at hand?

This morning my handy dandy notebook is populated with ideas for home improvement.  I have errands to run at places like IKEA and Home Depot, and some measurements to take before I leave. 

I'm enjoying the fresh energy vacation gave me, and intend to use it along with inspiration from spending time in Sarah and Tahru's new home to freshen up our old one.  Now that I slept in quite luxuriously of course.  Emmett did too--he slept 3 - 4 extra hours this morning.  So now, well rested, off we go to make some simple, revitalizing changes!

Home again, home again, jiggety jog...

Glad to have made the 1000+ mile return trip again and to be safe and sound.  I'm happy to report there was no inclement weather and zero vomit on our return trip, and we made it in 90 minutes less than the GPS projected at the beginning of our venture, so therefore it was an ideal journey.

I write better in the familiar surroundings of home.  Sitting on the settee by the bay window, looking out at bare trees, brownish grass, and the milky grey lake today, I'm happy to have been in Texas and happy to be back again.

We made good time on our return trip, the kiddoes were able to sleep for most of it, watch a couple movies, eat and take a few stretch breaks and they were home.  Us drivers had a little more difficult time of it, but really, with cruise control, chewing gum, stiff coffee and the iPod going, taking four hour or a little more stints behind the wheel is manageable.  And very worth every minute of it.

Emmett was a little shy and out of sorts away from home at times.  He's very happy to be back in his home environment, he's bright eyed and bushy tailed, and was very compliant and happy on the trip home.

When you have been away for some time and you round the corner and see your home still standing, it is a feeling of relief.  When you enter and everything is as you left it, safe and sound, and the kitty greets you, purring, all is well.

Now time to prepare for the holidays, and the happy week when our gracious Thanksgiving hosts come to see us, and it's not too far off!

Parting is such sweet sorrow...

It has been a wonderful visit, full of relaxation, exercise, yummies for our tummies, sharing, learning, entertainment and togetherness.  As always, it is bittersweet to say goodbye.  Sweet because the time together has been precious and we are looking forward to the next time we meet.  Bitter because it will be a while before that happens, and we don't prefer there to be such distance between us.

Many thanks to my sister and brother (in law) for hosting us this week and showing us wonderful hospitality in their beautiful home.  We feel home when we are with you, and we love you very much!

MASSAGE!!!!

I LOVE MASSAGE!!!  Amentahru's Mom is a massage therapist, and tonight she gave me a wonderful session, using me in order to demonstrate how to use elbows and the meat of the arm to get into the sore spots.    I've developed bad habits of holding my body while doing henna and sleeping that have given me very tight shoulders, and she showed how the neck and chest muscles and around the collarbone, under the scapula in back and all the way down to the elbow...  All these are factors in my achy shoulder.  Now that she is done working on me, I feel soooooo great!!  Many thanks and much love to Leela!

And dear reader, here's some advice she gave me.  Explore your own muscles and sore spots, and when you find one gently rub it out.  Don't be afraid to use deep pressure on your neck, it does a lot of work all day long and can really use the release.  Regular massage work can really make a difference.  I know I feel wonderful now, and I intend to get a massage more regularly in the future to help me keep my shoulder up to snuff.

I am thankful...

I have sooo many reasons to be thankful, it is impossible to list them all!  I am very thankful for the special family I'm blessed with.  Thankful for the ability to travel and spend time with dear and distant loved ones.  I am thankful for abundance of many kinds that I'm privileged to experience.  I'm thankful for my health.  Thankful for the many freedoms I enjoy.  Thankful for the artistic endeavors and relationships that grace my life, and for the way the journey is surprising and full of gifts and challenges and how far I've come and for the adventure yet ahead.  I'm thankful for hope and joy, love and acceptance, and oneness.  And I'm thankful for you, dear reader!  May your life be blessed with abundance and joy and may this holiday find you with many, many reasons to be thankful.

State Parks and Oven Fires

Today we went to Tyler State Park and walked around the lovely, still lake.  The weather was absolutely perfect for a hike; sunny, not too hot and not too cold.  The trees here are just turning colors now, and the path was strewn with pine needles and leaves and pine cones.  Leela and Clara were finding treasures, the boys were taking the lead with the dog and Emmett.  It was good to take a constitutional and see the beautiful lake and it's shores while chatting.  Last year their were turtles, but we didn't find them perched on their log this year.  It was lots of fun.

There were also many trips to the store to buy ingredients for tomorrow's huge feast.  And after dinner was made, consumed and tidied up after, we made 7 pies and a cake, and we started an oven fire. The fire was put out with calm and baking soda, but we can attest that their fire alarms are all in working order!  I don't know why I always forget to put the baking sheet in to catch the drippings!  Between oven fires and Legos spread all over their house, I think we've already done our duty to help break in their new home.

Remembering Thanksgivings Past...

This afternoon after we visited a local mansion given to the city of Tyler, part of the family spends time at home while the other part practices Tae Kwon Do at the University.  The home contingent is spread out, writing, crafting, reading, eating, performing maintenance outside, and writing.

I am thinking of loved ones who cannot be with us, and of Thanksgivings past.

I remember some elderly friends my parents invited to share the table with us over the years, among them jolly Mrs. Hedin and Wally, the retired railroad engineer, and Mrs. Cavanaugh who introduced me to strawberry rhubarb pie.  I remember the green lace tablecloth that decorated the table every Thanksgiving, and which I have with me this year to put on Sarah and Amentahru's brand new dining room table.  I remember well the lengths Mom went to fill our table with yummy bounty.  I remember her home made wheat rolls and pies.  Sometimes I got to whip the cream with the old-fashioned rotary beater, and I enjoyed watching the volume grow, though it was sometimes hard to wait for it to happen.

We would give thanks, and have share happy conversation while we ate.  Always there was lots of laughter.  The game was always playing at various points during the day, and we often woke to the Macy's parade.

Some of the traditions continue, some are brand new, but I'm very glad for these memories.

R & R

We are enjoying our Texas vacation so far:  sleeping in, chatting, working out, eating, spending time outside where it is very warm, playing games...  Thinking of loved ones who can't be with us, and enjoying spending time with those whom we don't often get to.   Their home is beautifully landscaped and there are many things blooming now and it's relaxing just to look at the gorgeous garden.  We will go out soon to see some sights, and plan to have a Dallas outing tomorrow.  It's nice to have relaxation time.

Of Tejas

I lived in Texas while attending university for three years just before and after I crossed the threshold of 20 years old.  I had only one other occasion to visit the south before I lived there while going to school.  Before that I had only heard southern accents on TV, so it was surreal to stop at gas stations and hear twang coming out of people's mouths.  It was also surreal to experience warmer weather just three hours down the road.

I think it benefits the human spirit in an inexplicable way to experience life in different spots on the planet.  To see different flora and fauna than you grew up seeing, to hear different accents, breathe different air.  Being by the ocean feels almost like science fiction to me, the world is soooo delightfully different from my norm.  Traveling to another country leaves me with an electric buzz tingling through my veins, everything is all so very different and exciting.  I look forward with great anticipation to the chance to travel internationally again, there are many places I would like to experience.

For now, I'm happy to be going to a different part of the United States.  Where they say "y'all" and call me "Sugar" and "Honey".  Where true winter rarely visits so the fauna and bug population doesn't really go dormant and therefore grow to gargantuan proportions.  You have never seen a cattail or a cockroach, until you've seen the monsters in Texas.  I imagine the rain forest would surpass even those, but I have yet to experience that wonderful place.

And, in some ways, going to Texas is going home.  To my little sis.  Sarahmaisy, Pepparoni Sissas Forevah!!  :)

On the Road Again

Today we will be on the road again, driving from Minnesota to Texas for maybe the 20th time.

Initially we made this same trip because we were attending college in Texas, graduating from Ambassador University in 1993.  If we thought we were done traversing these 1000 miles of highway once we moved back to Minnesota, the fates laughed at our ignorance.

As it happens, my sister and her husband have settled in the same area and purchased their first home over the summer.  We go to spend a share Thanksgiving week with them in Texas.  I promise dear reader, we won't mess with Texas while we're there :).

We're looking forward to our vacation, and as we embark on the journey, I'll definitely be humming this Willie Nelson tune.

Thanks to henna...

Tonight I went to the movies with dear friends whom I met, thanks to henna.  I am very thankful that henna came into my life.

In henna, I found an art form I fell in love with and couldn't stop learning about and experimenting with and ultimately making a career out of.  Only with henna did I finally feel comfortable claiming the title, Artist, though I've been drawing and painting in many mediums, throwing pots, sculpting, taking photos and practicing many other art forms since I could walk and talk all the way through primary and secondary education and beyond.

And because of henna, I became part of a community that nourishes me in many ways, and has gifted me with dear friends I am blessed to know.  If you had told me even 3 years ago that I would be a working artist part of a community of artists with awesome new friends and in my niche with an art form I'm passionate about and privileged to share with people of a variety of ages and cultures, I would have thought it only a happy dream.

My dream come true in so many ways, I'm thankful for henna.